The new title

I wanted a title that captured the essence of what it is like to be Kaden, Jonathan and Evan's mom. Have you ever heard something that just made you stop and say "HUH"
The new blog title comes from a moment like that courtsey of my middle son Jonathan. He was talking about his friend Tj being rich. In his opinion, Tj was rich because he lived in a mansion. (Tj's house is nice, but no mansion) We live in a trailor in the outskirts of Huntsville Alabama.
A trailor park we can call "The Yard"
Our house may not be much but it's comfortable we have enough room and a decent size yard. I asked Jonathan what was wrong with our house. I'll admit I was more trying to get him to see what he has by not being able to find anything "wrong" with it. Jonathan looked at me his face all serious "Well Mom," he said "Its oddly shaped and oddly colored"
I had one of those "HUH" moments. I have many of those moments trying to teach my boys about what is important in life and hearing their very unique responses.
So from my oddly shaped and oddly colored trailor in The Yard, I'm Radonna mom to Kaden, Jonathan and Evan. Zoo keeper to a pack of animal (nine cats and four dogs) and Partner to Denise.

My big man

April 29th Happy Birthday Kaden!!!!!!

This really is more my birthday than his.. I come to life as a Mother as an Adult as a leader as a protector. Kaden gave life to my courage and my patience. Kaden taught me more about life than I knew my whole 19 years before him.

So as I celebrate his birthday today I think how different I would be if I never had the privilage of having this precious little boy and I am soooo grateful.

Happy Birthday Mighty Man! Mommy loves you!!

Radonna

Evan is home from the hospital

He is back to normal running and ripping and roaring with his brothers.

Kaden 

Bat Kade!!! 

Evan From Heaven

The Day Before You
(Mathew West)

I had all but given up
On finding the one that I could fall into
On the day before you
I was ready to settle for
Less than love and not much more
There was no such thing as a dream come true
Oh, but that was on the day before you

Now you're here and everything's changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I will never have to go back to
The day before you

In your eyes I see forever
And it makes me wish that my life never knew
The day before you
Oh, but heaven knows those years without you
Were shaping my heart for the day that I found you
And if you're the reason for all that I've been through
Then I'm thankful for the day before you

Now you're here and everything's changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I will never have to go back to
The day before you

The day before you
Was the last day that I ever lived alone
And I'm never going back
I'm never going back

Now you're here and everything's changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I will never have to go back to
The day before you



-------------------------------------------
My Precious Evan,
I know that you are two years old and so much a part of me I can never imagine not having you. However there are times that I let myself go back to the time before you so that I better appriciate what my life is today.

I remember the day before you so clearly. I was a different person then. I had no hope left inside me. I prepared myself to meet you not believing that you would REALLY be coming home with me. So many things that could happen and I was so accustomed to the worst of them happening to me. Radonna's Law or the Law of Eve.
Women will suffer baring children. I have hurt more from the desire to have children
than in my life anything else has ever hurt. I expected the pain.

At the very least I expected to battle the gates of hell to have you.
I sat that day on my couch and contemplated how mere inches between the outside of my body to my baby felt so far away.

I packed my hospital stuff and tried to sleep but was so terrified. Waiting meant that this body that had betrayed four of his siblings could crush the life out of him as well. Knowing that TOMORROW I would know if I could begin my life again or stay in the pattern of grief was harder than anything I have ever done. I didn't trust myself to survive this time. I was scared that another loss would mean that My children would loose their Mommy because you just can't live with a heart that broken.

6 am we headed to the hospital was there by 7:30. I was told to put the gown on and get into the bed. It was surreal at that point. I was living minute to minute and trying not to think beyond that. I was hooked up to fetal monitors and started seeing his heart beat, my eyes never left the screen not for more than a few secs the entire time I was in labor. Once he moved and we lost his heart beat and I panicked BIG time. The nurse looked at me like I was crazy but I didn't care because she could not know what no heartbeat feels like to me.

My Pitocen was started about 8 am. The Doctor came in and broke my water around 9:30,
I still hadn't felt any pain. Although the monitor was showing small mounds.
I was dilated to four by 11 am and still wasn't hurting but thought that the epidural would be good to have in case of an emergency C section so I went ahead and asked for it. I half expected it not to work as with my son Jonathan but thankfully it did. I was completely numb and staring at the heartbeat of my baby.

Around 12 pm the nurse was about to go to lunch so she came to check me. I was watching his heartbeat 153, 160, 156, My eyes were glued as long as I seen that steady consistent beat my hopes were raising little by little.

"OH MY GOD" The nurse exclaimed "He's almost out" she ran to the door and yelled to the desk. "Call Dr Leach" I started crying. I expected that it would take a while to push him out and I was afraid of a cord accident or him getting stuck. I thought almost out meant dialated to 10. I had no clue she meant literally.

My Doctor was in the hospital and there within minutes. He was putting his gown and gloves on and the nurse was getting me ready to push. "Don't Push" they yelled. "I'm NOT!!" I exclaim and my Mom standing beside me started yelling "I see his head I see his head" Heart beat was 168 I was going to have an alive baby!!!!! FOR the first time in 9 months I actually believed that.

Evan Jesse Hill without a single push from me entered the world on October the 6th 2003. He weighed 6 lbs and 3 oz and was 18 inches long. When they put him in my arms. I had never felt anything like it before. I was one with a power way greater than myself. One with universal truths. Finder of the Reason WHY. I was TRIUMPHANT! JOYFUL, BUT OH OH SO GRATEFUL.

His cord is knotted my Doctor said. Show her his cord.

"That's God's Fingerprints" A voice spoke to me as plainly as if it was my husband or my Mother.

God's fingerprints. As he held that cord from tightening. God's fingerprints as he allowed that blood to substain the life of this child. I was humbled and amazed by the power I felt in the room that day.

The Day after Evan I was reborn. My bitterness had drained out of me and wholeness washes over me in waves.

I had a moment in the hospital when I ached for William. This baby was Evan and I had not stopped grieving for William. As much as I loved this child I was holding I remembered his brother and tears begin to roll down my face as I remembered a very different time when I held the shell of my precious son.

I felt the tears just dry up like the sun coming out on a raining day as the thoughts rushed to my mind that William was so much a part of this day. He was part of this amazing feeling of love and gratitude. William was so much a part of the love I was able to give to this tiny new life. At that moment. I felt my heart being put back together. My grief would not define me. Finding a new way to love a new way to feel thankful a new start for my scarred and broken heart was all right there in my babies eyes.

Evan gave me life as much as I gave him his. He changed every way I perceived myself or my body.

It has been Two years and five months and I still can't look at him without feeling that rush of Gratitude flow through me.

My Boys

Joy redefined 

The keys to the universe found in his eyes 

here 

More than words. Your face a story tells. Animated Kaden. Precious little man. 

Evan and James 

Who Am I

What do I know for sure. I know that I don't need to make sense of my life to be happy.
I can accept that I will never have a relationship with my Dad. I can accept that My Mom will never accept that I am not Pentecostal. I know those things and have put them away. How come they still come up from time to time.
My Mom blames genetics (not hers) that I am so different.
I blame life experiances. (Genetics would give Ray too much credit)
Do I care that he hates me. Not really. I couldn't fit his ideal of a daughter any more than I fit into the little box Mom wanted me in.
Good thing I am not defined by my relationship to those that happen to be my parents
I am defined by being a Mother. I redefine what I want my life to be. My choice. My life. My children. MINE. PERFECT not hardly but unique and beautiful and MINE.
Radonna

Poems

I am your Mommy


I am your Mommy
Though I've never dried your tears
I've never seen your smile
I've never calmed your fears
My arms have never held you
your face I've never kissed
But I am still your Mommy
and you are very deeply missed
My heart has no memories
of your precious baby charms
and I'm not there to hold you or
keep you safe from harm
But I am still your Mommy
Your soul is joined to mine
and I will always love you
with Love that transcends time.


Radonna Lynn Hill

Copyright ©2006 Radonna Lynn Hill




Grandma
Whenever I need her I almost
hear her say,Sissy don't you
cry for me. You know that I'm ok
She'd tell me about the angels,
about the streets of gold
about the endless glories of
which the bible told.
She'd tell me about Jesus.
and how she looked upon his face
and all the pain she suffered
up there it was erased
Her voice once scarred by Cancer
Now it sang a song so sweet
She sang it to the angels
while kneeling at HIS feet.
and if I could ask one question
I know just what I'd be
Is my baby with her
And is she holding him for me.


Radonna Lynn Hill

Copyright ©2006 Radonna Lynn Hill

Glitter
in your world you refuse to see,
all the colors I can bring.
black white shades of gray,
are they all you know?
in a world of logic,
where does my glitter go?
can I touch you with my magic?
can I show you something new?
can I watch you crazy?
while your illusions come unglued
show me your anger,
show me your pain
stand alone crying,
tears fall like rain.
to know true joy
first know true pain
take my hand and
never be the same


Radonna Lynn Hill

William

Oh how precious and so bittersweet
I count the toes on his tiny feet
MY SON!! My little baby boy
My heart both aches and fills with joy.
Before today I did not know
of all the places love can go
I never thought that I could see
Beyond this pain filled reality
But love can lift and carry you
and show you things you never knew
How Beauty doesn't stop at death
How Love doesn't start at breath
Oh how many ways a heart breaks
I knew them all but one
I'll never look at life the same
Since I lost my precious son.
He showed me loves not limited
to what you touch and what you see
and that I will always carry
His miracle inside of me

Radonna Lynn Hill

Copyright ©2006 Radonna Lynn Hill

Grandma

Your Legacy
I seen your light and I knew
That I could never be like you
Your strength was a mystery
Your courage,Your song
I knew I couldn't sing it
But life proved me wrong
I tasted your sorrow,I came
through the pain.The storm engulfed me
I cried the rain.I screamed the notes
as sorrow touched the keys.
I met your anger I touched your grief
It was my eyes,raw from the tears.
It was my voice,that begged to leave
here,It was my soul,Tattered and
torn that came through the night
that out cried the storm.
But it was your song, your melody
and it was your enduring legacy
your arms that held me and always
knew that I was allot like you.

Radonna Lynn Hill

Copyright ©2006 Radonna Lynn Hill

My Hero

Her name is Ms. Pat.
She is everything I hope to one day be.
She has this amazing ability to make people feel like they matter. More amazing is that to her they really do.
When I met Ms. Pat she didn't seem to see all the odds stacked against me.
To her I had no limits other than the ones I put on myself.
She gave me support and encouragement and helped me find the strength to enroll in college. (Only because she was going to be my teacher) I decided to take her husbands class too. Anyone married to Ms. Pat had to be a pretty awesome person.
So my first semester in college I felt this fire ignite inside me. I loved learning. She knew I would.
I wouldn't have made that first step without her. She "scaffolded" me. Held me up until I could stand on my own.
I will never be able to express how much she means to me.
She wouldn't agree with me. She doesn't see herself as extaordinary. That's part of her charm really. She cares because that's who she is. In her mind she never went out of her way. She did only what came natural.
She is a natural hero. MY hero.

Grateful

My Grandmother had the greatest influence in my life. She had a way of making the bad seem so far removed from our life. As long as I could see her I knew I was safe. She had a way of making people feel loved and valued. No matter what walks of life they came from, no matter their circumstances she always treated everyone like they were important and worthy of her time and attention.

Her last words were “Thank you.” Those words define her life. She was grateful when Chemo made her knee length hair fall out. “Sissy as heavy as my hair was I wouldn’t be able to lift my head if I hadn’t lost it” Her hair was “her glory” Papaw use to joke no body fingered him as a United Pentecostal Preacher after Granny lost her hair. It meant way more than vanity to Grandma, but she chose to be grateful instead of bitter.

I couldn’t understand the things she use to tell me. “Life has a way of balancing itself out Sissy”
“You got to know hungry to appreciate full”
She would speak with such conviction about God’s perfect will. When I was angry for her. When I cried the tears she didn’t. She’d comfort me. “Sissy there is peace when you just trust him to lead you where he wants you to go even the bad, You have to trust his heart”

I use to ask her, when that big lightning bolt of wisdom would hit me? I really struggled to understand how anything good could come from so much suffering.

The last days of her life a constant stream of people came in and out of her hospital room every life she touched every saint she’d mothered even those that had moved away or even backslid come to say Goodbye to her.

When she died I felt lost. I had lost the only person that understood me exactly like I was and loved me anyways. It wouldn’t be for a few years until I realized that everything she was, every bit of wisdom she had ever shared with me was stored inside me waiting for my mind to be ready to understand them. She had left me a legacy more precious than gold.



When I went through three miscarriages and the stillbirth of my son William, I felt her so strong inside me. “The things you do not understand place them in the masters hand”
When Evan was born and they placed him in my arms I realized what “God’s perfect will” truly meant. The events of my life had all led to this moment. I held a child that I fully understood the value of. How that love born of such pain was “tried by fire” the way the most beautiful vessels sometimes are. The lesson’s Grandma lived and died teaching me and finally taken root inside me and started to grow.

I know what it is like to wake up and feel the most overwhelming feeling of Gratitude. I look at Kaden and see the ways that being his mother has changed me and at Jonathan and see my capacity to love and Evan and see the answers to the question “WHY.” I know that my life has come full circle to where that I can look back and see that the struggle and the pain enhances the love.

To really understand the lesson I learned you have to know where that I started. At 18 years old I was told 16 weeks into my first pregnancy that my son had a chromosome abnormality, Down syndrome was the best case scenario, the others were incompatible with life. I was informed of my options. Something termed Eugenic abortion. I was horrified by the thought. Love isn’t conditional I thought.


Fast Forward two years and I was 20 weeks into my 7th pregnancy. The ultrasound showed that Evan had cleft lip, hypoplastic left heart syndrome, fused fingers and most likely Trisomy 18 a chromosome abnormality that was incompatible with life. I had 11 days to wait before I got to Vanderbilt to have Maury Regional’s diagnosis confirmed. 11 days that every time I felt him move caused my heart to break thinking I would never have the chance to watch him grow up. In that time I had to make some choices. No one has ever realized the full impact of the choice they were making more that I did. I was making the most informed decision possible. What was most amazing was it the exact same one that I had made 10 years ago completely by heart. I felt a peace come over me that day that even had Vanderbilt confirmed that diagnosis I had found answers. Their life was not my choice. Everything my children was had been designed by God according to his purpose. Then I understood my Grandma completely. “Life has a way of giving you answers Sissy. Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door will open, ask and it shall be given”
Since the day Evan was born my life has changed completely because I really begin to understand that everything works together for the good of them that love the lord and are called according to his purpose in a way that I had never made sense of it before.

The spiritual part of me that had been shut up for so long as I raged against a God that wanted all of the credit and none of the blame. Until I was finally able to understand I had let people define God for me.
When I first got pregnant with William. I was told my pregnancy was a blighted ovum. A pregnancy that just didn’t develop. The HCG blood count was suppose to rise, mine wasn’t. They didn’t see a baby on ultrasound. So I waited and waited and waited. From August to October I thought that he was dead. It was October 19th I was sent for another ultrasound and there he was his little heart beating away at 150bpm. A MIRACLE my Mom proclaimed and her entire church started taking credit for the life coming back to my baby. Well of course I will have this baby. It’s a miracle after all. When I went to Centennial Medical Center for an Ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby and to have the screening for congenital abnormalities, I thought the still form on the screen meant that he was paralyzed somehow. Does he have spina bifita? I asked. Is he anecephalic?? What is wrong with my baby!? I demanded and finally I asked “Does he have a heartbeat?
The Doctor looked at me and said “No”
Miracle’s don’t die! That had to be wrong. I asked him if he was sure. He gave me a look of exasperation. “Yes I’m sure” he said just as matter of fact as you can be.
The first thing my Mom told me was...........”Don’t blame God”
Didn’t make any sense to me. Just a few days ago I was suppose to never forget the miracle he performed in my life but now I wasn’t suppose to blame him??????? How did that work exactly??
That was the hardest misconception that I have ever worked through.
To forever tie God to that pain I was dying a spiritual death until having Evan set me free. Part of the love I was able to give to my new little baby was formed in that sorrow and through that pain. When I felt more alone than I ever did in my life when I felt forsaken and abandoned God seen this moment with this precious little baby. He is the author and the finisher after all.

Once life returned to normal as normal as mine can get at least. That feeling of being grateful has never left me. It has opened my eyes to so many things that I missed. How Kaden’s purpose is so much about what he brings out in others. How lucky I am to have my three little boys. I am not so scared of what comes my way because I know that it will all one day make sense.

It is those things in my life that defines me as a person. I never wanted anything else but to be a Mother and to give my kids what my grandma gave to me. I always wanted 12 kids. I wrote reports about it in school. What is funny is that in every story I ever wrote I had a child with Down syndrome. When I took Sociology in high school and they made us carry around egg babies. I made mine to have Down syndrome. I am living the life that I was meant to live. I do not question that. It is this feeling of wanting more. To know more to be more and to do more that is the main motivator in my life. To know that somewhere up in heaven that my Grandma is looking down and is proud of me.