Evan From Heaven

The Day Before You
(Mathew West)

I had all but given up
On finding the one that I could fall into
On the day before you
I was ready to settle for
Less than love and not much more
There was no such thing as a dream come true
Oh, but that was on the day before you

Now you're here and everything's changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I will never have to go back to
The day before you

In your eyes I see forever
And it makes me wish that my life never knew
The day before you
Oh, but heaven knows those years without you
Were shaping my heart for the day that I found you
And if you're the reason for all that I've been through
Then I'm thankful for the day before you

Now you're here and everything's changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I will never have to go back to
The day before you

The day before you
Was the last day that I ever lived alone
And I'm never going back
I'm never going back

Now you're here and everything's changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I will never have to go back to
The day before you



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My Precious Evan,
I know that you are two years old and so much a part of me I can never imagine not having you. However there are times that I let myself go back to the time before you so that I better appriciate what my life is today.

I remember the day before you so clearly. I was a different person then. I had no hope left inside me. I prepared myself to meet you not believing that you would REALLY be coming home with me. So many things that could happen and I was so accustomed to the worst of them happening to me. Radonna's Law or the Law of Eve.
Women will suffer baring children. I have hurt more from the desire to have children
than in my life anything else has ever hurt. I expected the pain.

At the very least I expected to battle the gates of hell to have you.
I sat that day on my couch and contemplated how mere inches between the outside of my body to my baby felt so far away.

I packed my hospital stuff and tried to sleep but was so terrified. Waiting meant that this body that had betrayed four of his siblings could crush the life out of him as well. Knowing that TOMORROW I would know if I could begin my life again or stay in the pattern of grief was harder than anything I have ever done. I didn't trust myself to survive this time. I was scared that another loss would mean that My children would loose their Mommy because you just can't live with a heart that broken.

6 am we headed to the hospital was there by 7:30. I was told to put the gown on and get into the bed. It was surreal at that point. I was living minute to minute and trying not to think beyond that. I was hooked up to fetal monitors and started seeing his heart beat, my eyes never left the screen not for more than a few secs the entire time I was in labor. Once he moved and we lost his heart beat and I panicked BIG time. The nurse looked at me like I was crazy but I didn't care because she could not know what no heartbeat feels like to me.

My Pitocen was started about 8 am. The Doctor came in and broke my water around 9:30,
I still hadn't felt any pain. Although the monitor was showing small mounds.
I was dilated to four by 11 am and still wasn't hurting but thought that the epidural would be good to have in case of an emergency C section so I went ahead and asked for it. I half expected it not to work as with my son Jonathan but thankfully it did. I was completely numb and staring at the heartbeat of my baby.

Around 12 pm the nurse was about to go to lunch so she came to check me. I was watching his heartbeat 153, 160, 156, My eyes were glued as long as I seen that steady consistent beat my hopes were raising little by little.

"OH MY GOD" The nurse exclaimed "He's almost out" she ran to the door and yelled to the desk. "Call Dr Leach" I started crying. I expected that it would take a while to push him out and I was afraid of a cord accident or him getting stuck. I thought almost out meant dialated to 10. I had no clue she meant literally.

My Doctor was in the hospital and there within minutes. He was putting his gown and gloves on and the nurse was getting me ready to push. "Don't Push" they yelled. "I'm NOT!!" I exclaim and my Mom standing beside me started yelling "I see his head I see his head" Heart beat was 168 I was going to have an alive baby!!!!! FOR the first time in 9 months I actually believed that.

Evan Jesse Hill without a single push from me entered the world on October the 6th 2003. He weighed 6 lbs and 3 oz and was 18 inches long. When they put him in my arms. I had never felt anything like it before. I was one with a power way greater than myself. One with universal truths. Finder of the Reason WHY. I was TRIUMPHANT! JOYFUL, BUT OH OH SO GRATEFUL.

His cord is knotted my Doctor said. Show her his cord.

"That's God's Fingerprints" A voice spoke to me as plainly as if it was my husband or my Mother.

God's fingerprints. As he held that cord from tightening. God's fingerprints as he allowed that blood to substain the life of this child. I was humbled and amazed by the power I felt in the room that day.

The Day after Evan I was reborn. My bitterness had drained out of me and wholeness washes over me in waves.

I had a moment in the hospital when I ached for William. This baby was Evan and I had not stopped grieving for William. As much as I loved this child I was holding I remembered his brother and tears begin to roll down my face as I remembered a very different time when I held the shell of my precious son.

I felt the tears just dry up like the sun coming out on a raining day as the thoughts rushed to my mind that William was so much a part of this day. He was part of this amazing feeling of love and gratitude. William was so much a part of the love I was able to give to this tiny new life. At that moment. I felt my heart being put back together. My grief would not define me. Finding a new way to love a new way to feel thankful a new start for my scarred and broken heart was all right there in my babies eyes.

Evan gave me life as much as I gave him his. He changed every way I perceived myself or my body.

It has been Two years and five months and I still can't look at him without feeling that rush of Gratitude flow through me.